This may seem out of character.
I'm not sure where it came from.
I'm really unsure of where it's going.
But I think it's going to a good place.
I'm tired of playing by the rules. No, that's not right, I'm not setting myself up as some kind of rebel.
I'm tired of following the road. The Ladder, I guess, is the right analogy. Get a good internship at a small theatre, so you can get a better internship at a big theatre, so you can assistant direct, so that you can become an Artistic Associate, so that you can become an Artistic Director of a mid-size company in New Jersey, which then catapults you to an AD position at a big theatre in NYC/Chi-Town/LA.
It's just...I don't know. I've been setting myself up on that ladder for a long time. I've gotten a few steps up it. I think it was, without a question, the best thing for me to be doing.
Now, though? I don't know. I don't know if I'm disenchanted with it---I don't think that's it at all. If anything, I've become more enchanted with the Work itself, and I'm tired of all the hackery around it. Maybe it's something about the theatrical atmosphere of Chicago---it makes me want to say: "No! I've got something I want to show to people---I'm going to show it to them!" This is a place where you can do that, and the public supports it. If I wanted to be in a world of donor relations and corporate sponsorships, I'd go where I would get paid huge bundles of cash to do it. I want to direct. I want to make things happen to people because they sat down in a dark room. Yes, sure, fine, I want to be famous. But I also want to communicate. I want to do theatre.
I think I had forgotten that for a bit.
I guess the problem is, I'm not at a point where I can "just Direct"--at least, not if I also want to eat. Who knows--maybe tomorrow I'll be back, or on a different path. Lord knows I don't want to be stuck...well, doing mediocre shows, or small-time stuff all my life. I guess, though, I don't want to trick myself into -not- doing shows either. Maybe I need to, at this point, have a "day job" that isn't in the theatre, which will further inform my theatrical work. Didn't someone famous say "You can't make art if you haven't lived"? I'm feeling that, a bit. I want work that will give me experiences that I can bring back to the theatre.
We'll see. Man, brain is all over the place today. I feel inspired.
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1 comment:
Do what you love, and the money will follow.
As for a day job outside of theater, I think some of the best things Exeter did for my enjoyment of theater were to a) force me to leave Kenyon, b) provide me with no oppurtunities to do theater, c) convince me to give up directing (at least for now) d) give me the oppurtunity to see TONS of English theater via Wendy, and e) make a resolution to go back to my ur-art, acting, which is how I got into theater in the first place, and I'll be doing for my thesis.
I like to think that this break from theatre, which was forced upon me by Exeter Drama not being what I'd hoped, has given me a small bit of perspective. Maybe a day job, even if it seems banal, will give you some perspective worth using.
P.S. How're you doing? What're you working on? What shows do you think about directing before you go to bed (I'm haunted by A Winter's Tale and Twelfth Night, personally, with shades of Copenhagen fading into the background)?
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